Finding Home, Finding Sanity

Forget writing reports for work, handwashing blouses and filing wanton papers sitting in messy piles on my desk! It's hot. And still summer. I'm heading to the coast! Lying in bed this Saturday morning I scan my body for aches and pains as become my daily custom. Noting what hurts and what doesn't I express gratitute for the parts that don't and worry for the places that do. Placing my hands across my heart I feel the blooming energy rising up and declare my love for my body, for me, my beloved angels and guides, God/Goddess and my favorite dieties. Back and forth I slowly rock my feet and torso in hopes of relieving some of the back pain. No luck. Reaching over my head I use the bars on the decorous bedframe to gently hoist myself up, marveling at how it came to be that I purchased this bed from a former roommate not knowing how invaluable those bars would become. Ablutions complete I sit down at my rusty old computer to see if I can watch Ted Kennedy Jr. eulogized his incredible, wonderful father, Senator Edward M. Kennedy. Much to my consternation I can't. I sigh hard in frustration.

It's 90 degrees and I love it. I want to live in sun hot days year round. My peripheral vision notes for the millionth time my desk littered with detour signs from my life. My resolve to give myself a day off starts to waver. No, I'm not staying home. Yes, I have reports to write, papers to file, online traffic school to finish, professional material to read, garments to wash by hand, floors to sweep and mop but I'm going to Mt. Tamalpias. First back to bed to rest my back and sleep as the 6 hours I slumbered was not enough and then I'm off on a journey.

Heading down 116 in my car I notice my impatience to get to the best, most succulent part of my drive. When I finally arrive in Fairfax the impatience lifts and I settle in to my car seat. Driving west from this great little town I wish I lived in I start to climb Mt. Tam. The two lane road is narrow and windy. I have to pay attention even though I want to look at the houses and trees. After a ways I notice hardly anyone else is on this road. It's a little eerie. My heart starts to pound. I observe. Slowly I cruise, the wheels of my vehicle sinking into the slightly crunchy road. Through my four open windows streams the woody fragrances of the trees and dry grass. The smells feed my body as the energy of my surroundings over take me. Bounty after bounty of beautiful trees hovering over, the scenery grows darker and richer. I'm a little scared because I am all alone but there is no turning back to my way of thnking. Into the thick converging woods I continue on. This feels good and right. Speaking wordlessly for the pain in my back, I'm journeying, spiraling into the blackness even though I have to remain alert to the road's vicissitudes. Somehow it works. Mile upon mile I travel and as I do I notice shuffling and shifting in my psyche and body. Compassion surfaces for all the parts that are hurting, mangled in the mumble jumbled mire of so many relationships and conversations I'm sorting out. No wonder my back is hurting. I can't carry all of this. A little concern by the distance I've traveled I check the gas gauge. Plenty full but then I knew that. It was the only tangible thing I had to check. A few more turns in this thickly leafed plot of forrest and then boom! I reached the top of the mountain! The big blue sky leaps out and sunlight gregariously floods the land. Over my right shoulder sprawls the sky matching blue Pacific Ocean, in its inmeasurable immensity stretching out for miles. Elation plumes into my heart. The profoundity of living so close to this magnificent Pacific Ocean is alive in my consciousness. Every turn around a bend reveals another beautiful sight. The mountain terraine on my left is gorgeous. Like a series of carvings. The low rolling waves of the sea beckon me. The balance is perfect between land and water and I feel I am home! I am home on this mountain! My God! This IS my home. It is soulful, beautiful and speaks for me. This awareness, a warm ball, the size of a dark red cherry, swirls through my heart. I am a little taken aback by this realization and long to move back to Marin to be close to this mountain I used to visit regularly. The only way I can make that happen is through magic. My life is far too complicated to do it any other way.