How Do I Know if This is The One to Marry?

Wondering: Is This the Right Person to Marry? This summer while attending my cousin’s wedding, I was milling around, schmoozing with the quests and struck up a conversation with a good looking 20-something fellow. Upon learning I am a marriage and family therapist and being that we were after all, at a wedding with the scent of romance and marriage floating in the air, he asked me a question: “How do you know that someone is the right one to marry?” I watched his face as a thousand feelings and thoughts fluttered crossed in a millisecond. Fascinating-- both his face and his question! Amidst the noisy chatter of the reception hall I could not do what I would have in my office: hunker down into a thoughtful space between the two of us to ponder this enormously important question together. In the peaceful sanctuary of my office I would have asked: • What are you concerned about? • What is perplexing you? • How do you make other decisions? • What do you expect to feel when someone is the “right one”? The answer to this question, is this the right person for me to marry, resides in our heart, body, and soul. As for as the head – yes, by all means use it! But, and this is critical, check out what your head tells you in your heart, body and soul. For the true answer resides there, the entirety of your being. Here are a few things I invite you to consider: 1. In spot number one is the infamous Chemistry factor. Are the two of you attracted to each other in a very sparky, energetic and magnetic way? One aspect of chemistry is sexual, a passionate, exhilarating desire to make love. It feels wonderful to be in intimate physical contact but please do not be fooled by great sex for there is far, far more to ask yourself about your couple Chemistry. Foremost, does a warm glow of energy naturally flow from your heart towards the other person that is a step above what you feel for others? Do you two light up when you see each other? Does it feel great to be near the other? Is there a way in which the two of you move in sync? You seem to click? Does this person put a smile on your face when you are alone with your thoughts? Do you have a desire to give in a special way to this person? Do you feel love for this person? And are all these feelings reciprocal? The 2nd ingredient to great chemistry is that this is someone who is becoming your best friend. 2. Best Friends: The person you spend your life in marriage is your very best friend with whom you can count on to be there for you through thick and thin. They are your anchor, your trusted confidant, your go-to person, your cheerleader, the person who wants the best for you, the person who loves you despite your flaws, your bad moods and annoying habits. This is your most trusted ally. Moreover, you are both willing to work out problems and, perhaps more important, agree to learn new ways to work out inevitable conflicts. This kind of friendship and trust develops and grows over time and will be one of your greatest assets! 3. Shared Values and Needs: No two people are going to share all the same values and needs but getting clear on what’s most important for each of you is essential. If you’re a younger couple, one of the most obvious is children. Do you want both children? If so how many? When? Who will care for the children while managing careers? What kind of child rearing practices are important to you concerning limit setting, discipline, education, play time, meals, entertainment, hobbies? If one wants off springs and the other does not, you may have to sadly part ways. Best to get clarity now, before you commit. 4. Money! Couples fight a lot about this which is why it is good to start talking about it now. How important is money to each of you? How much do you earn now and how much would you like to earn in the future? What did your parents teach you about money? Are you a spender or a saver or both? What do you like to spend money on? Who will pay for what? As an experiment create a budget together and see what comes up for you in terms of where to allocate your dollars. Track your spending together over a month and share with each other how that is for you. Final note: fights about money are not always about money itself. It may be more about how your are feeling disconnected from your Honey. Nevertheless, there needs be some basic agreements about money you are both able to abide by and live with. 5. Life Style Considerations: Talk with each other the role of religion and spirituality plays for you, about exercise, health, healing modalities you utilize, what kind of food you eat, politics, arts and culture, cleanliness, clutter or a little of both, what you like to do on vacations, what you do when you want to kick back and let your hair down. Obviously you two be will not be identical in every way but these are the ingredients that make up your life. If you two are always cooking up recipes the other not appealing to the other it may get frustrating and even dull. When learning and observing the answers to these questions ask yourself, “Am I willing to live with this?” Secretly thinking you can change your partner is a sure set up for disappointment. Go with what is real right now. People do change over time but like what you got here and now. 6. Free Time: Life is busy. And for many, stressful. It is easy to get caught up in the day to day necessities of living which may make your relationship a bit hum drum if that is the only way you both are making contact. Having fun together, doing activities that are mutually enjoyable and meaningful revitalizes your connection. Make time to re-energize your hearts. Laughter, playfulness, excitement, pleasure, relaxation, adventure, peacefulness, emotional closeness, creativity, intellectual stimulation, contentment, ease, flow- these are elements that nurture and rekindle warmth and connection. What kinds of activities do the two of you love to do together? Try them out. See how it goes! When it’s good your hearts are humming together. 7. Red Flags: It is best to know what your own red flags are based upon past experience and self-knowledge. Check in with your friends if you are unsure. I shall list a couple of the more serious ones: Drugs and alcohol use is a biggie. Is your partner using and abusing drugs and alcohol now? Have they in the past? Have their parents? Observe what your partner does. Be honest with yourself about what is healthy and what is not. If you are not sure, seek out information from reliable sources such as Alcoholic Anonymous (AA). This also may mean you need to look and be honest about your own behavior. If there is a substance abuse problem? Can you two talk about it openly? Is it being squarely addressed? AA recommends that people do not enter relationships until they have been sober for 12 consecutive months. It is well worth the wait! Anger and rage issues: You and you partner must be able to work through intense feelings without raging or even worse, entering into the scary dangerous realm of domestic violence. Every relationship requires rules for fair fighting and effective anger management skills. A simple one is to take a time out before the heat gets dangerously hot and come back later to talk when you have both cooled down. Calmed nervous systems bring out our better selves. Make emotional safety a priority! If it is a problem seek help from a competent mental health professional. Above all commit to keeping your relationship an emotional safe zone. 8. Dreams and aspirations: This is a great topic to discuss. List your dreams and aspirations. Get wild and creative! It will reveal special information about the two of you. How would you like your life to be 5, 10 and 15 years from now? Compare notes. While you may not be able to realize all your dreams and aspirations, they point you two in a certain direction that makes your lives profoundly satisfying. Are you both willing to put energy into your dreams over time? Equally important, will you support the other’s dreams and aspirations? Our dreams and aspirations are our life mission, our calling and makes our heart sing our own special melody. When we courageously heed our calling we are filled with a passion that keeps our internal heart fire lit! And that my friend, is very attractive! 9. Take time! Time to get to know each other over time and in different circumstances. At first, in the intoxicating joyfulness of being in love you are wired to notice every which way you two are similar, delighting in all the wonderful little things that endear the other to you. You are exceptionally motivated to go the extra mile for the other with surprises, gifts, your time and energy. This is an exquisite mating dance that leads to becoming emotionally attached. But after the heady elixir of being in love wears off, the magical sunlit cloud you are floating upon fades into the next scene. And this is good and right for here is when things get more real. Now you experience a more realistic sense of whether or not this is the person you want to commit to and build a life together with. A life where you both grow and evolve within a sphere of love, best friendship, emotional safety and trust. 10. Pre-marital Counseling: Talking to a therapist, a spiritual advisor or someone trained in pre-marital counseling is a wise step to take if you and your beloved partner want help in talking through issues that concern you before exchanging your vows. This is where you may talk about some important things you did not know how to talk about but wanted to. A good couple’s therapist is someone who will support both of you. They will create emotional safety while you discuss sensitive topics together. This person will leave the final decision to the two of you. Finally, remember, there are no guarantees that a marriage will last even after going through all these steps. One needs to be willing to take that chance. However, talking about these important issues will significantly increase this likelihood that the two of you will do well together. We now know more about how to sustain a good relationship than ever before. Make use of the many resources available! Susan-Amanda Schratter, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist offers pre-marital counseling and couples counseling. She also helps people with issues surrounding anxiety, depression, trauma, bereavement, family conflicts, and major life changes. She loves her work and is passionate about supporting and bringing out the best in her clients! She sees clients in her office, on Skype and does phone appointments. PH: 415. 302-8185 Email: susanamanda@sbcglobal.net Website: www.susan-amandaschratter.com

New Blog Title

David Roche graciously helped me form a possible new title for this blog of mine. Among a list of verbs he attached to Heart ( and he got pretty creative) was Splash as in Heart Splash! I came up with a maybe to be used subtitle:

Musings in a Physically Challenge Vehicle Circa "52: A Collector's Item.

What do you think my Dear Readers? Feedback appreciated.

More to follow when time parks its ever turning wheels into the lane for thoughtful and reflective writing.

Title Masters Come Hither!

Lying in my bed the other night, pleased that I have finally started a blog after thinking about doing so for so long it suddenly occured to me I'd do better with a catchier name. HeartSpeak Productions is very sweet and lovely but I would like something much more distinctive, that's to say, crisply descriptive and babblely playful. My friend David Roche is great at coming up with titles for stories. Do check out his amazing one-man show, "The Church of 80% Sincerity" when you and he are in the same area (davidroche.com). I pray that something pops, slides, or better yet wildly splashes into my brain a stays there long enough for me to remember by the time I get to my desk. Any suggestions from you dear reader would be greatly appreciated. While I can't guarantee a prize for the best submission until I am a famous blogger your name will certainly be on the honor roll of credits!

Meet Them at the Door Laughing?

Physical pain is daily visitor. It is by far not my only visitor but it certainly is a regular. If I were Rumi I would grandly exclaim, “Oh, good morning Pain. How great to see you! Please, do come on in and have a seat. May I take your hat and bring you some nice tea and toast? Wheat allergies, you say. No problem! I have a crisp juicy red apple I can slice up just for you. Welcome to my table of guests!” But I am not as delighted to see this visitor as Rumi would have me be. In fact I am pretty darn grumpy with this sparking fire cracker. This particular guest dominates the conversation with its companion Worry a close second. Still, I did remember, as I promise myself I would in winter, to notice how warm it was when I woke up. How lovely it is to slumber in a thin cotton spaghetti-strap top. To feel the soles of my bare feet slid softly against each other before they’re encased in socks that tug come the cold winter nights.

Two days ago I dissolved in fearsome quiet tears when my beloved friend and colleague, Pam, asked me how I was as I slipped stealthy into our small office shared with some 25 plus amazing clinicians interning at this agency of mercy and generosity. Because I know she loves me and I love her, because to hug her is like hugging something as big and softly enfolding as the great and compassionate divine mother, because her golden-brown eyes are deep and warm and her smile is radiantly bright and sweet, because she is a magical Celtic love knot of Goodness, because she just is one of the best, I let all of my fears and sadness freely reel out. They raced out of my mouth, out of my belly, these elliptical river rocks, rolling head over heals far down into the steep bank by the edge of the road we walk along. Through these hungry tears of mine and a whorl of words I told her of nearly all the things stored up in me I wanted no one to know. And here I am telling you some of them dear reader, though not in full… At least not for now. Here I am, I have worked so hard for 6 years to become a therapist, something I wanted to do since I was 12 years old and I am beseeched by pain. I’ve a confidence I never before possessed as so many of the fears that chased me have been tamed to manageable magnitudes. In the last 6 years I have challenged myself over and over again, willing to be a fool, make mistakes, try new and exciting ways to guide others on their healing journey and yet this cruel hearted lasso keeps rounding me up. Spiritual teachings would I suggest I surrender. Surrender to Unfairness, another unseemly guest, following many of us round each bend of the road. Will I ever outgrow, “It’s not fair! So and so gets to do such and such, why can’t I…?” It’s sort of funny in a way. How we can be such little kids in grown-up middle-age bodies!

The next morning I woke up happy because Pam listened to me “so good” it was a healing. My spirit felt cleansed and light even with the physical pain there. At work when I saw her she looked different too. Clearer, lighter than the day before. Instantly I realized she had given her all to me when she herself was close to empty. Guilt popped up for a sec but as soon as she gave me that radiant smile of hers I knew I need not worry. Speaking Oval was coming up for the afternoon’s training. I would have two and a half minutes to speak before my fellow interns. I knew I would tell them what my disability is followed by some impromptu reflections. A nervous excitement worked on me for hours. 1:00 pm we gathered. Talked about the format and finally started in. I uncharacteristically went up to the front of the room early. Feeling into the wholeness of me, grounding, moving and swaying slowly side to side, I look into the eyes of my listeners. A groundswell of powerful joy surged into my body, heart and soul. I began to talk, surprised at how slowly the words came out for the energy was so immense the words had to weave their way into this palpable amoeba of love filling the space. I felt myself grow bigger. Fill up the whole room, my legs, minutes earlier in pain were rushing with gentle pleasant quivers. Gentle quivers rolling just along the surface of a deep, deep river that flowed through a very large red rock canyon. All of it me, them, us. In essence, huge magic, wonderful, playful, transformative magic took front, center and back stage and I - I was in my joy. I wanted stay up there far longer than my allotted precious two and a half minutes but had no choice but make the most of my short time. It would only be fair. Yes, to make the most of my time here on this stage. With magic as my instrument it might be possible.


The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meaness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
Meet them at the door laughing,
And invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond.

- Rumi

Finding Home, Finding Sanity

Forget writing reports for work, handwashing blouses and filing wanton papers sitting in messy piles on my desk! It's hot. And still summer. I'm heading to the coast! Lying in bed this Saturday morning I scan my body for aches and pains as become my daily custom. Noting what hurts and what doesn't I express gratitute for the parts that don't and worry for the places that do. Placing my hands across my heart I feel the blooming energy rising up and declare my love for my body, for me, my beloved angels and guides, God/Goddess and my favorite dieties. Back and forth I slowly rock my feet and torso in hopes of relieving some of the back pain. No luck. Reaching over my head I use the bars on the decorous bedframe to gently hoist myself up, marveling at how it came to be that I purchased this bed from a former roommate not knowing how invaluable those bars would become. Ablutions complete I sit down at my rusty old computer to see if I can watch Ted Kennedy Jr. eulogized his incredible, wonderful father, Senator Edward M. Kennedy. Much to my consternation I can't. I sigh hard in frustration.

It's 90 degrees and I love it. I want to live in sun hot days year round. My peripheral vision notes for the millionth time my desk littered with detour signs from my life. My resolve to give myself a day off starts to waver. No, I'm not staying home. Yes, I have reports to write, papers to file, online traffic school to finish, professional material to read, garments to wash by hand, floors to sweep and mop but I'm going to Mt. Tamalpias. First back to bed to rest my back and sleep as the 6 hours I slumbered was not enough and then I'm off on a journey.

Heading down 116 in my car I notice my impatience to get to the best, most succulent part of my drive. When I finally arrive in Fairfax the impatience lifts and I settle in to my car seat. Driving west from this great little town I wish I lived in I start to climb Mt. Tam. The two lane road is narrow and windy. I have to pay attention even though I want to look at the houses and trees. After a ways I notice hardly anyone else is on this road. It's a little eerie. My heart starts to pound. I observe. Slowly I cruise, the wheels of my vehicle sinking into the slightly crunchy road. Through my four open windows streams the woody fragrances of the trees and dry grass. The smells feed my body as the energy of my surroundings over take me. Bounty after bounty of beautiful trees hovering over, the scenery grows darker and richer. I'm a little scared because I am all alone but there is no turning back to my way of thnking. Into the thick converging woods I continue on. This feels good and right. Speaking wordlessly for the pain in my back, I'm journeying, spiraling into the blackness even though I have to remain alert to the road's vicissitudes. Somehow it works. Mile upon mile I travel and as I do I notice shuffling and shifting in my psyche and body. Compassion surfaces for all the parts that are hurting, mangled in the mumble jumbled mire of so many relationships and conversations I'm sorting out. No wonder my back is hurting. I can't carry all of this. A little concern by the distance I've traveled I check the gas gauge. Plenty full but then I knew that. It was the only tangible thing I had to check. A few more turns in this thickly leafed plot of forrest and then boom! I reached the top of the mountain! The big blue sky leaps out and sunlight gregariously floods the land. Over my right shoulder sprawls the sky matching blue Pacific Ocean, in its inmeasurable immensity stretching out for miles. Elation plumes into my heart. The profoundity of living so close to this magnificent Pacific Ocean is alive in my consciousness. Every turn around a bend reveals another beautiful sight. The mountain terraine on my left is gorgeous. Like a series of carvings. The low rolling waves of the sea beckon me. The balance is perfect between land and water and I feel I am home! I am home on this mountain! My God! This IS my home. It is soulful, beautiful and speaks for me. This awareness, a warm ball, the size of a dark red cherry, swirls through my heart. I am a little taken aback by this realization and long to move back to Marin to be close to this mountain I used to visit regularly. The only way I can make that happen is through magic. My life is far too complicated to do it any other way.