How Do I Know if This is The One to Marry?

Wondering: Is This the Right Person to Marry? This summer while attending my cousin’s wedding, I was milling around, schmoozing with the quests and struck up a conversation with a good looking 20-something fellow. Upon learning I am a marriage and family therapist and being that we were after all, at a wedding with the scent of romance and marriage floating in the air, he asked me a question: “How do you know that someone is the right one to marry?” I watched his face as a thousand feelings and thoughts fluttered crossed in a millisecond. Fascinating-- both his face and his question! Amidst the noisy chatter of the reception hall I could not do what I would have in my office: hunker down into a thoughtful space between the two of us to ponder this enormously important question together. In the peaceful sanctuary of my office I would have asked: • What are you concerned about? • What is perplexing you? • How do you make other decisions? • What do you expect to feel when someone is the “right one”? The answer to this question, is this the right person for me to marry, resides in our heart, body, and soul. As for as the head – yes, by all means use it! But, and this is critical, check out what your head tells you in your heart, body and soul. For the true answer resides there, the entirety of your being. Here are a few things I invite you to consider: 1. In spot number one is the infamous Chemistry factor. Are the two of you attracted to each other in a very sparky, energetic and magnetic way? One aspect of chemistry is sexual, a passionate, exhilarating desire to make love. It feels wonderful to be in intimate physical contact but please do not be fooled by great sex for there is far, far more to ask yourself about your couple Chemistry. Foremost, does a warm glow of energy naturally flow from your heart towards the other person that is a step above what you feel for others? Do you two light up when you see each other? Does it feel great to be near the other? Is there a way in which the two of you move in sync? You seem to click? Does this person put a smile on your face when you are alone with your thoughts? Do you have a desire to give in a special way to this person? Do you feel love for this person? And are all these feelings reciprocal? The 2nd ingredient to great chemistry is that this is someone who is becoming your best friend. 2. Best Friends: The person you spend your life in marriage is your very best friend with whom you can count on to be there for you through thick and thin. They are your anchor, your trusted confidant, your go-to person, your cheerleader, the person who wants the best for you, the person who loves you despite your flaws, your bad moods and annoying habits. This is your most trusted ally. Moreover, you are both willing to work out problems and, perhaps more important, agree to learn new ways to work out inevitable conflicts. This kind of friendship and trust develops and grows over time and will be one of your greatest assets! 3. Shared Values and Needs: No two people are going to share all the same values and needs but getting clear on what’s most important for each of you is essential. If you’re a younger couple, one of the most obvious is children. Do you want both children? If so how many? When? Who will care for the children while managing careers? What kind of child rearing practices are important to you concerning limit setting, discipline, education, play time, meals, entertainment, hobbies? If one wants off springs and the other does not, you may have to sadly part ways. Best to get clarity now, before you commit. 4. Money! Couples fight a lot about this which is why it is good to start talking about it now. How important is money to each of you? How much do you earn now and how much would you like to earn in the future? What did your parents teach you about money? Are you a spender or a saver or both? What do you like to spend money on? Who will pay for what? As an experiment create a budget together and see what comes up for you in terms of where to allocate your dollars. Track your spending together over a month and share with each other how that is for you. Final note: fights about money are not always about money itself. It may be more about how your are feeling disconnected from your Honey. Nevertheless, there needs be some basic agreements about money you are both able to abide by and live with. 5. Life Style Considerations: Talk with each other the role of religion and spirituality plays for you, about exercise, health, healing modalities you utilize, what kind of food you eat, politics, arts and culture, cleanliness, clutter or a little of both, what you like to do on vacations, what you do when you want to kick back and let your hair down. Obviously you two be will not be identical in every way but these are the ingredients that make up your life. If you two are always cooking up recipes the other not appealing to the other it may get frustrating and even dull. When learning and observing the answers to these questions ask yourself, “Am I willing to live with this?” Secretly thinking you can change your partner is a sure set up for disappointment. Go with what is real right now. People do change over time but like what you got here and now. 6. Free Time: Life is busy. And for many, stressful. It is easy to get caught up in the day to day necessities of living which may make your relationship a bit hum drum if that is the only way you both are making contact. Having fun together, doing activities that are mutually enjoyable and meaningful revitalizes your connection. Make time to re-energize your hearts. Laughter, playfulness, excitement, pleasure, relaxation, adventure, peacefulness, emotional closeness, creativity, intellectual stimulation, contentment, ease, flow- these are elements that nurture and rekindle warmth and connection. What kinds of activities do the two of you love to do together? Try them out. See how it goes! When it’s good your hearts are humming together. 7. Red Flags: It is best to know what your own red flags are based upon past experience and self-knowledge. Check in with your friends if you are unsure. I shall list a couple of the more serious ones: Drugs and alcohol use is a biggie. Is your partner using and abusing drugs and alcohol now? Have they in the past? Have their parents? Observe what your partner does. Be honest with yourself about what is healthy and what is not. If you are not sure, seek out information from reliable sources such as Alcoholic Anonymous (AA). This also may mean you need to look and be honest about your own behavior. If there is a substance abuse problem? Can you two talk about it openly? Is it being squarely addressed? AA recommends that people do not enter relationships until they have been sober for 12 consecutive months. It is well worth the wait! Anger and rage issues: You and you partner must be able to work through intense feelings without raging or even worse, entering into the scary dangerous realm of domestic violence. Every relationship requires rules for fair fighting and effective anger management skills. A simple one is to take a time out before the heat gets dangerously hot and come back later to talk when you have both cooled down. Calmed nervous systems bring out our better selves. Make emotional safety a priority! If it is a problem seek help from a competent mental health professional. Above all commit to keeping your relationship an emotional safe zone. 8. Dreams and aspirations: This is a great topic to discuss. List your dreams and aspirations. Get wild and creative! It will reveal special information about the two of you. How would you like your life to be 5, 10 and 15 years from now? Compare notes. While you may not be able to realize all your dreams and aspirations, they point you two in a certain direction that makes your lives profoundly satisfying. Are you both willing to put energy into your dreams over time? Equally important, will you support the other’s dreams and aspirations? Our dreams and aspirations are our life mission, our calling and makes our heart sing our own special melody. When we courageously heed our calling we are filled with a passion that keeps our internal heart fire lit! And that my friend, is very attractive! 9. Take time! Time to get to know each other over time and in different circumstances. At first, in the intoxicating joyfulness of being in love you are wired to notice every which way you two are similar, delighting in all the wonderful little things that endear the other to you. You are exceptionally motivated to go the extra mile for the other with surprises, gifts, your time and energy. This is an exquisite mating dance that leads to becoming emotionally attached. But after the heady elixir of being in love wears off, the magical sunlit cloud you are floating upon fades into the next scene. And this is good and right for here is when things get more real. Now you experience a more realistic sense of whether or not this is the person you want to commit to and build a life together with. A life where you both grow and evolve within a sphere of love, best friendship, emotional safety and trust. 10. Pre-marital Counseling: Talking to a therapist, a spiritual advisor or someone trained in pre-marital counseling is a wise step to take if you and your beloved partner want help in talking through issues that concern you before exchanging your vows. This is where you may talk about some important things you did not know how to talk about but wanted to. A good couple’s therapist is someone who will support both of you. They will create emotional safety while you discuss sensitive topics together. This person will leave the final decision to the two of you. Finally, remember, there are no guarantees that a marriage will last even after going through all these steps. One needs to be willing to take that chance. However, talking about these important issues will significantly increase this likelihood that the two of you will do well together. We now know more about how to sustain a good relationship than ever before. Make use of the many resources available! Susan-Amanda Schratter, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist offers pre-marital counseling and couples counseling. She also helps people with issues surrounding anxiety, depression, trauma, bereavement, family conflicts, and major life changes. She loves her work and is passionate about supporting and bringing out the best in her clients! She sees clients in her office, on Skype and does phone appointments. PH: 415. 302-8185 Email: susanamanda@sbcglobal.net Website: www.susan-amandaschratter.com